So Your Kid is Looking at Porn.  What next?
by Larry Magid

Revised April, 2004

There has been much hand-wringing recently about how to keep children away from online pornography.

But let's be honest about the problem. Many children -- especially post-pubescent boys -- are interested in this type of material. You might not like the idea that 14-year-olds are looking at pictures of naked people, but that doesn't change the fact that it's an extremely common occurrence.

This column isn't about young children or children who accidentally come across unwanted sexual material. Those are different issues. The question I want to explore is how a parent should react if they discover their growing child -- typically 12 or older -- is deliberately looking at sexually explicit material on the Internet.

Nothing New or Unusual

First, recognize that there's nothing new about teens looking at such material.

We didn't have the Internet when I was 14, but that didn't stop kids from getting their  hands on copies of Playboy. Porn has been around for centuries and we're not the first generation of parents who have had to deal with it.

There are a number of reasons why kids look at pornography.  For some, it's to be "cool." There are reported cases of relatively young children using porn to impress their friends, much as kids sometimes smoke to show their independence.

Sometimes it's curiosity, but in many cases -- especially for males past puberty, it's for stimulation at times when no one else is around.

Interest in sex and voyeuristic behavior to satisfy sexual urges are completely normal. Whether the young person makes up images in his head, gets them from television shows, rented videos, magazines or images on the Internet, the process is much the same.

So what's a parent to do?

The first answer is not to freak out. Take a deep breath and spend some time thinking about the situation before you do anything. If possible, talk it over with the child's other parent before confronting the child.

Don't overreact. How you respond to the situation can have more of an effect than the exposure itself, according to Richard Toft, a child psychologist in Palo Alto, California.

``A parent's reaction can have a tremendous impact, and you could make it traumatic by ranting, raving and threatening reprisals,'' Toft says.

Dr. Daniel Broughton, a pediatrician at the famed Mayo Clinic in Minnesota who for 13 years served as chairman of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, says to be careful to distinguish the child's behavior from the feelings that may be behind it.

``What the kid has done may be an issue, but what a kid is feeling or thinking is not the problem. You don't say `You're a bad kid for thinking this,' even if you do feel that he has been a naughty kid for doing it.''

You don't need a psychologist or a pediatrician to recognize how this can be an extremely embarrassing situation for you and your child. After all, you're entering into the child's private space. While having sex involves another person, viewing pornography often involves only the child and the screen.

That doesn't mean you should ignore the situation. Both Toft and Broughton feel it's appropriate for a parent to talk with their child so the child knows how the parent feels about pornography and the child's behavior. Again, both professionals caution parents not to make their child feel as if he is somehow abnormal or perverted.

Your response should depend on what the child is doing, how often the child is doing it and, of course, your own values.

It's also important to put the activity into context. An occasional peek at pornography or use of pornography for sexual stimulation, according to Toft, is not as much of a mental health concern as are cases where children are obsessed with the material. If the child is looking at pornography for hours at a time, or is printing it and collecting it, then you may have a more serious problem that requires professional help.

Although merely looking at sexual material isn't usually a safety issue, it can become one if the child enters information on an adult Web site or responds to a predator who is using porn to groom the child. It can also be a financial issue if the child uses a credit card to get access to paid sites.

Broughton cautions parents not to send their child to a psychologist or psychiatrist at the first sign of such exposure.

``You might want to seek professional advice yourself on how to deal with it, but that doesn't mean you should seek professional care for your child,'' he said. Sources of advice can include psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy, teachers or even close friends.

Consequences yet restraint

Broughton says parents need to dish out consequences for inappropriate behavior, but shouldn't lash out with severe punishment the first time. ``If the parents feel that the child has done something wrong, there needs to be a penalty, but it needs to be commensurate to the issue. The first time the penalty should be relatively mild like, `You can't use the computer unless a parent is there for two days.' As the offenses become more repeated, the consequences should become more severe.''

When talking with your child, consider bringing up some of the consequences of spending time on these types of sites. For one thing, the depictions on some Internet sites go far beyond pictures of naked people. There is often very graphic sex as well as a variety of divergent sexual practices that can be especially problematic for someone who has little or no sexual experience.

Finally, recognize that conversations like this are part of parenting. Difficult as they are, they can ultimately be good for your children and your relationship with them.