Let’s be honest. Many children — especially post-pubescent boys — are interested in what we commonly call “porn.” You might not like the idea that some kids are looking at these images, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a pretty common occurrence.

This column isn’t about young children or children who accidentally come across unwanted sexual material. Those are different issues. The question I want to explore is how a parent should react if they discover their growing child — typically 12 or older — is deliberately looking at sexually explicit material on the Internet.

Nothing new or unusual

First, recognize that there’s nothing new about teens looking at such material.

We didn’t have the Internet when I was 14, but that didn’t stop kids from getting their  hands on copies of Playboy. Porn has been around for centuries and we’re far from the first generation of parents who have had to deal with it.

There are a number of reasons why kids look at pornography.  For some, it’s to be “cool.” There are reported cases of relatively young children using porn to impress their friends, much as kids sometimes smoke to show their independence.

Sometimes it’s curiosity, but in many cases — especially for males past puberty, it’s for stimulation at times when no one else is around.

Interest in sex and voyeuristic behavior to satisfy sexual urges are completely normal. Whether the young person makes up images in his head, gets them from television shows, movies, magazines or images on the Internet, the process is much the same.

Engage but don’t overreact

The first answer is not to freak out. Take a deep breath and spend some time thinking about the situation before you do anything. If possible, talk it over with the child’s other parent before confronting the child.

Don’t overreact. How you respond to the situation can have more of an effect than the exposure itself, according to Richard Toft, a child psychologist in Palo Alto, California.

“Parents,” said Dr. Toft, “need to approach porn the same way they approach any issue about their child’s sexuality.  There are laws involved, there is responsibility involved, and there is a life long impact of everything they do whether they want to admit it or not.” Dr. Toft added, “Parents are going to do best if they do not consider porn isolated from sexuality.  They need to address their moral feelings about sex, and porn is part of that.  It is also best addressed ahead of time not after the fact.” He added, “A parent’s reaction can have a tremendous impact, and you could make it traumatic by ranting, raving and threatening reprisals.”‘

Porn and sexuality

Dr. Marty Klein, a Silicon Valley-based marriage counselor, psychotherapist, and sex therapist, said that “many parents are blissfully ignoring their kids’ sexuality. They don’t talk about sex with their children when they’re young and when they trip over their kid’s porn at age 14, they suddenly realize their kid is a sexual being. ” Finding that your kid is using porn, said Dr. Klein, “can be a teachable moment. It can be turned into a positive thing. It may be long overdue for a parent to have a few conversations about sex with their kid.” He added,” we don’t wait around for our kids to ask about taking care of their teeth. We teach them dental hygiene when they’re young. It’s the same with sex.”  Dr. Klein argues that “you can’t talk about porn without talking about your kid masturbating. One of the reason parents don’t want their kids looking at porn is because they’re uncomfortable with their kid masturbating.” Klein said that there is no evidence that masturbation is harmful or dangerous unless the child is doing it so much that it’s interfering with other activities.

Dr. Daniel Broughton, a pediatrician at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota who for 13 years served as chairman of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, says to be careful to distinguish the child’s behavior from the feelings that may be behind it.

“What the kid has done may be an issue, but what a kid is feeling or thinking is not the problem. You don’t say `You’re a bad kid for thinking this,’ even if you do feel that he has been a naughty kid for doing it.”

You don’t need a psychologist or a pediatrician to recognize how this can be an extremely embarrassing situation for you and your child. After all, you’re entering into the child’s private space. While having sex involves another person, viewing pornography often involves only the child and the screen.

Broughton cautions parents not to send their child to a psychologist or psychiatrist at the first sign of such exposure.

“You might want to seek professional advice yourself on how to deal with it, but that doesn’t mean you should seek professional care for your child,” he said.

Both Toft and Broughton feel it’s appropriate for a parent to talk with their child so the child knows how the parent feels about pornography and the child’s behavior. Again, both professionals caution parents not to make their child feel as if he is somehow abnormal or perverted.

Role models

Cordelia Anderson, a Minneapolis-based prevention consultant in the field of sexual health recommends parents counter the messages their kids may see when viewing porn. “Parents may want to be the main sexuality educator for their children rather than by omission having it be pornography.” She said that parents “should think about  the messages it contains about gender, equity and sex and sexuality” as well as the “role and expectation of being male or female in this culture, about respect for your partner and sex in the context of a caring respectful relationship, and what kinds of images and practices they want to shape their arousal.”

Putting it into context

It’s also important to put the activity into context. An occasional peek at pornography or use of pornography for sexual stimulation, according to Toft, is not as much of a mental health concern as are cases where children are obsessed with the material. If the child is looking at pornography for hours at a time, or is collecting it, then you may have a more serious problem that requires professional help.

When it could be more serious

Though it’s rare, there are cases where adults have used pornography as part of the grooming process to make the child more susceptible to sexual exploitation. It can also be a financial issue if the child uses a credit card to get access to paid sites.

Also, if any of the images are of people under 18, the child might be accessing illegal child pornography. If so, put an immediate end to it and destroy any copies that may be printed or stored on a computer or phone. Possession of child pornography is a serious crime that could lead to prosecution and being required to register as a sex offender. This is especially important if the images are of pre-pubescent children, but even if your child is looking at images of teens and even if you think it may be “age appropriate,” it may still be illegal. Minors can be prosecuted and the law is sometimes applied even when kids receive or send sexually explicit photos to other kids (so-called “sexting.”)

Consequences yet restraint

Broughton says parents need to dish out consequences for inappropriate behavior, but shouldn’t lash out with severe punishment the first time. “If the parents feel that the child has done something wrong, there needs to be a penalty, but it needs to be commensurate to the issue. The first time the penalty should be relatively mild like, `You can’t use the computer unless a parent is there for two days.’ As the offenses become more repeated, the consequences should become more severe.”

When talking with your child, consider bringing up some of the consequences of spending time on these types of sites. For one thing, the depictions on some Internet sites go far beyond pictures of naked people. There is often very graphic sex as well as a variety of divergent sexual practices that can be especially problematic for someone who has little or no sexual experience.

Violent vs. non-violent material

The type of material a child is looking at can have an impact on their behavior said according to a study published in the January/February 2011 issue of Aggressive Behavior. A research team led by Dr. Michele Ybarra found that “intentional exposure to violent x-rated material over time predicted an almost 6-fold increase in the odds of self-reported sexually aggressive behavior, whereas exposure to nonviolent x-rated material was not statistically significantly related.”

After reviewing empirical studies, Christopher Ferguson, Associate Professor of Psychology and Criminal Justice” at Texas A&M International University concluded, “Overall, pornography viewing effects on minors appears to be fairly minimum for most outcomes, particularly for “regular” non-violent porn. There appears to be little evidence overall that viewing non-violentpornography increases sexual aggression.  Even for violent pornography the evidence is inconsistent at best.” He added that “the research also indicates what is called ‘violent porn’ is actually very rare.”

There is a lot of concern about the type of porn that’s online compared to what was easily available in the past. Porn is more explicit and it sometimes depicts acts that fantasize behavior that appears to be hurtful. Dr.Klein said that parents can help kids distinguish between fantasy and reality when it comes to sexually explicit material. Parents should explain to children that people in porn films are “actors and actresses and that they’re not really hurting each other.”  He likened it to watching the 3 Stooges poke each other or kids playing with guns. “Just like some kids like to play with guns and would never hurt anyone, some adults like to play games with sex,  but wouldn’t really hurt each other.”

Blocking and monitoring porn

If you feel that your child needs some restraint beyond what you can accomplish through conversation or house rules,  you can put a filter on whatever devices the child uses. There are programs for computers and apps for smart phones that do a reasonably good job of blocking sexually explicit material without blocking appropriate sites.  These programs are not perfect and they are not for every child but they can help a child control his or her impulses. If you use such a program, it’s best to discuss it with your child so he knows why it’s there. You should also consider removing the software or lessening its restrictions as your child shows signs of self-control.

To prevent accidental exposure, consider configuring your search engine for “Safe search.” You can do that within Google, but as easier option is to use SafeKids.com Child Safe Search page that’s powered by Google. Yahoo also has a safe search setting as does Microsoft’s Bing.

Of course there are ways around filters (including using a different device — porn can be viewed on any Internet connected device including game consoles, phones, tablets and even an iPod Touch) and ultimately your child will reach an age where you have no ability to control what they do, so remember that the best filter isn’t the one that runs on a device, but the one that runs on the computer inside the child’s head.

Finally, recognize that conversations like this are part of parenting. Difficult as they are, they can ultimately be good for your children and your relationship with them.

 This article also appears on Forbes.com.

Internet filters have been around since the early days of the Web and they can play an important role in preventing young children from accessing inappropriate content. But they’re not a replacement for parental involvements — and they’re not for everyone.

Before installing and configuring a filter, parents need to decide if their child needs to have software controlling how they can use the Internet and, if so, how the filter should be configured.

I don’t recommend routine use of filters for teens, especially high-schoolers. For one thing, there are lots of ways for them to get around filters, including accessing the Web from their cell phones, game consoles or other people’s PCs. And since teens are on a fast path to becoming young adults, it’s better to help them develop the filter that runs between their ears. You can’t protect them forever, so help them learn self-control. Of course, there are always exceptions, and some teens do need extra supervision.

Filters can be a convenient way to keep young children from stumbling onto material that might gross them out or disturb them. Young children generally seek out a limited number of sites, but it’s certainly possible for them to stumble onto inappropriate ones.

Seemingly innocent search terms can sometimes bring up inappropriate sites. But rather than install filters on your computer, you might consider configuring the search engine your child uses.

Google, for example, offers a “search settings” option in the upper-right corner of its main page. Click on that and select either “strict filtering” or “moderate filtering” (the default). Strict filtering, which I recommend for young children, filters both explicit text and images. Just below the setting is an option to lock safe search so kids can’t easily turn it off for that browser. Be aware, however, that the lock is browser-specific.

Microsoft’s Bing.com also has a preferences section in the upper-right corner with similar controls. Yahoo allows you to configure its filters if you’re signed in with a Yahoo account.

My safety Web site, SafeKids.com, has a search page that’s locked into Google’s strict safe search. But no safe search option is foolproof. You still need to keep an eye on young kids when they’re online.

Microsoft Windows 7 doesn’t comes with a Web filtering feature, but it has controls that let parents limit when and how long their kids use the computer and to specify which programs kids can run. To use this, you need to create a Windows account for your child, and Microsoft recommends you password-protect your own account so only you can configure your child’s account.

The “time limits” option puts up a grid that lets you drag your mouse over certain hours of specific days that you wish to block. You can also turn on “allow and block specific programs,” which blocks all programs until you approve them. Another option allows you to block or allow games.

Although it’s not built into Windows 7, Microsoft has a free Web filter that works with Windows XP, Vista and Windows 7. Microsoft’s Family Safety program doesn’t give you a lot of granular control over the types of sites your kids can use but it does let you choose between “strict” (which blocks all but child-friendly sites and sites you’ve allowed), “basic” (which blocks adult content) and “custom” (which lets you turn on or off a few categories, including social networking and Web mail.)

Symantec offers a more robust free program called OnlineFamily.Norton, which works with both Macs and PCs. This software gives you a great deal more control over the types of sites you kids can visit and allows you to create a separate profile for each child with recommended settings based on age.

If you already have a security suite, check to see if it includes filtering. TrendMicro Internet Security Pro, for example, includes a highly configurable Web filter. Also check with your Internet service provider to see if it offers a free Web filter.

Filters and other tools are not a substitute for parenting. Regardless of your child’s age and whether or not you use a filter, you should still check in with your kids regularly about how they use the Internet, their cell phones, game consoles and other technology.

When it comes to such issues as time online or obsessive use of the Internet or texting, remember that how you act is often more powerful than what you say. Kids learn by watching and if they see you constantly on the phone or online, they might wind up emulating your behavior.

Resources:
Parental Control & Online Child Protection: An excellent and very thorough review of parental control tools by Adam Thierer, president of the Progress & Freedom Foundation

ConnectSafely.org:  News, tips and commentary on all aspects of Internet safety, especially as it applies to the interactive “social” web.  (Disclosure, the author of this article is co-director of ConnectSafely)

GetNetWise.org: Excellent resources on Internet safety

This article is adapted from one that originally appeared in the San Jose Mercury News